Can't Take It Back
by MarieKR
Summary: Daniel doesn't know which was worse, the things he said, the things he didn't say, or the consequences of both. Takes place right after S. 3 "Past and Present".
1. Teaser

_"This is important, Jack. Try not to screw this up with your army-man attitude."_  
_"This is the A-"_  
_"I know that. What I don't know is if you can go on a single mission without ruining it by shooting everything in sight."_

Damn distasteful things. It's a phrase that rings in your mind long after it's been said, one that's hard to ignore and harder to forget.  
Maybe I'm starting to understand the sentiment behind those words.  
Then again, knowing Jack, what he had to go through just to be able to stand what I put him through...maybe not.

All I know is that I hadn't been intending to get Jack killed...but that's what happened.


	2. Chapter One: What Was Said

The hardest thing about being friends with Jack is that he doesn't want friends.

The easiest thing has got to be that once he has them, he utterly refuses to let them go.

As much as he can, anyway.

I remember when we were in 1969, and the guards were interrogating Jack after that ridiculous debacle with me speaking Russian.

_I told them I was Captain Kirk,_ he said. Teal'c raised one of those eyebrows at him, and he shrugged. _Yeah, I tried Luke Skywalker too, but they weren't buyin' it._

I never thought about it then, but in retrospect, I think I know why he chose those particular names. At some point, Jack went from being a man who didn't believe in winning scenarios, to one who didn't believe in no-win scenarios. Part of me thinks that I had something to do with that...but then, there's no way I could have that much influence on Jack.

It was Skaara who gave life back to him on Abydos, but I think after I survived the destruction of Klorel's ship...Well, after that, he gained something I'd never seen in him before. That something connected him to Kirk and Skywalker over Spock and Solo – and no, I'm not ashamed I know that, nor should you be surprised. I'm not as culturally unaware as people think. I know enough to understand that, like them, Jack doesn't believe anymore that things are hopeless. The very potential for 'hopeless' is gone for him. That's why, when they woke us up and told us we were in the future, he didn't believe the team was dead.

I'm acting like somehow he's going to go on being the indomitable Jack we all 'know and love,' to use a much-dreaded cliché. I would trade what I'm feeling now for the loneliness and loss I felt then. Survivor's guilt is so much easier to bear than actually having blood on your hands...

* * *

"_Well maybe I'd rather kill every single one of them, then have them kill the single one of you!"_

"_And maybe I'd rather die than have you kill any of them!"_

"_And what if it was me, huh, Daniel? Or Carter, or Teal'c, or Hammond – what if it had been Sha're?"_

"_Damn it, Jack, yes, I'd watch you die before I took a life – especially if you'd gotten yourself into the mess in the first place, which is always what happens when you rush in guns blazing!"_

I didn't mean it. He knew I didn't mean it; he remembered just as well as I did that I'd turned a staff weapon on Ra rather than kill him and the others that first time on Abydos. The first weapon I'd ever held, and I turned it on someone with no hesitation and no regrets – but Jack had used Sha're and her memory against me, and that wound was still so raw...I could never hurt him as much as her loss hurt me, but I tried.

_His eyes burn me as he drops his P-90 to the ground, then his Beretta, then his combat knife, then even the little one he keeps hidden down his boot. He doesn't look at a single one of them, just abandons them at my feet, the blades sinking point-first into the soft ground. Only in memory will I see the betrayal, the pain, the fear behind those eyes – all I see now are sparkles of anger behind an empty facade. _

"_I won't disappoint you, Dr. Jackson," he says, his tone full of blank sarcasm. Only later will I hear the shock and resignation behind those words. _

"_Yeah, right," I mutter. He turns and walks away, spine straight, head high. I think it's the pose of an arrogant man._

_It's really the posture of the dead walking._

If only I'd done my job.

If only I'd acted like a friend, instead of an ass.

If only I'd realized that he was refusing to let me go.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED.


	3. Chapter Two: What Was Done

The Relians were probably the most peaceful people Daniel had ever seen, by all appearances. They had no crime, no law-enforcement, even, as far as he could tell, no laws. Everything about their culture was based on trust – an ideal held as supreme as love is held in various forms on Earth. Not trusting someone was considered just as dishonorable as being untrustworthy – something Daniel would have known if he'd read SG-5's mission report just a little more thoroughly.

He'd flicked through the mission reports, his eyes seeing not words, but a kaleidoscope of faces – Sha're, Ke'ra, Linnea, and back again. He loved Sha're, he hated Linnea, and Ke'ra...love-hate relationship didn't come close to describing the guilty mess of emotions tangled up in the memory of her face.

So he missed things, key things.

Things like "For the Relians, to withhold trust is to be untrustworthy. Only those who cannot be trusted refuse to trust others in this society – the thinking is that suspicious thoughts only form in those not above suspicion themselves," and "Relia is a beautiful and garden-like planet. The only dangers to us seem to be hidden in the fruits; where only some Earth fruits are acidic, all Relian fruits are, and their potency puts our harshest chemicals to shame."

* * *

"_Are the weapons really necessary, Jack? The Relians are __**peaceful**__, remember? No crime, no Jaffa, all that?"_

"_We don't go through the gate unarmed, Daniel, you know that. Even Teal'c takes his staff weapon when he visits his family in the Land of Light."_

"_This isn't the Land of Light. They're __**trustworthy**__, their whole culture is based on it. You really think you need to be ready to shoot them all? For God's sake, the tallest of them is still shorter than Sam, you can't be __**that **__worried."_

"_SG-5 didn't have any trouble being around them with weapons, Daniel. And they could be pigmies for all I care, and still be dangerous. The Goa'uld are longer than they are tall, remember?"_

_Daniel flinched, turned away, and stalked up the ramp into the now-open wormhole._

_Relia truly was stunning. The sky was a clear cobalt-blue that put even the deepest of Earth skies to shame, and the greenery almost pulsed with life. It was like something out of a fantasy novel, as though someone had maxed out the saturation filter on the entire world._

"_Are you seeing this?" Jack asked, awestruck. _

"_Of course I am, Jack." Daniel's immediate, biting reply shocked the group out of their stupor and earned him disapproving looks from Sam and Teal'c. Jack merely stiffened his shoulders and marched forward to greet the Relian delegation awaiting them at the base of the platform._

"_Maybe I should do that," Daniel said, quickly inserting himself between the Colonel and the smaller aliens. Seven pairs of eyes turned to him, two with surprise and dismay, and the other, alien eyes with open stares that bore just the tiniest hint of unease. Only Jack ignored him, his brown gaze fixing somewhere over the aliens' heads, emotions shuttered away. Daniel was oblivious._

"_I'm Daniel, this is Sam, Teal'c, and Colonel O'Neill," he said, gesturing to each individual in turn. "We're SG-1. It's an honor to meet you."_

"_I am Todan. It is we who are honored, though you are not as we expected," replied the foremost of the aliens, a 'man' who stood nearly as high as Sam's shoulder with purple-blue skin and perfectly circular eyes that held two irises. His hair was long and white, falling in a thick braid over one shoulder and down to his knees. Like those with him, he wore a __gray__ tunic and loose brown pants, with woven sandals wrapping around his feet. _

_Daniel blinked rapidly, captivated by the tawny ring that surrounded what could have been a normal green eye with a brown pupil. _

"_I hope you won't hold that against us," Daniel said. "Appearances aside" – here he cast a look at Jack's P-90 – "we want nothing more than to share knowledge with you and learn what you have to teach."_

"_Your words are wise," the alien said. "Do your actions hold the wisdom of your words, I wonder?" Daniel pulled back, surprised, searching for a reply, but the alien moved on before he could. "Come."_

_They followed the five people to a village just beyond a hill not far from the gate. The small houses seemed to be carved as one unit from giant blocks of stone, though no other such stone could be seen._

"_Where did the houses come from?" Sam wondered aloud. "There aren't any mountains around, and the UAV didn't pick up anything that could be a mine or quarry." She turned to Jack, her voice and attitude taking on a slightly more reverent tone than it's usual respectful one. "With your permission, Sir, I'd like to investigate further." _

_The colonel nodded. "Of course," he said, with much more solemnity than normal, foregoing the habitual gesture of waving her off. "Let me know what you find." He didn't send Teal'c off to accompany her, either, as she approached the nearest Relian and began asking questions about the woman's home. Within moments they were having an animated conversation, Sam's bright white smile a strange contrast to the shining black teeth of the Relian woman._

_Relia appeared to have nothing in the way of trees, though there were massive bushes, the shortest of which towered several feet over Teal'c's head. At the far end of the village one of the bushes lay sprawled in front of a house, blocking the entrance. A group of the aliens had gathered and were attempting to move the giant shrub, but were having little success._

"_O'Neill, with your permission, I would assist them in their endeavor," Teal'c said solemnly, gesturing at the struggling Relians. Jack nodded again, giving Teal'c the same formal attitude as he'd given Sam. _

"_Please do." Teal'c bowed his head graciously and left, casting Daniel a fierce warning look before turning away._

"_Got everyone kissing your feet today, huh, Jack?" he said disdainfully. O'Neill shot him a look and continued walking, while the alien entourage with them stared at Daniel with slight frowns. _

_They continued on through the village, chatting with the Todan about the village and Relian culture, Daniel carrying on most of the conversation, often butting Jack out or interrupting him in the process. Finally, after one such interruption, the Relian leader stopped and turned to Daniel, holding out a round blue object about the size of a bouncy ball._

"_This you have earned," he said slowly. "Please, take it and go with Adaiah." One of the attending Relians stepped forward at this, bowing her head in acknowledgment of her name. Daniel smiled, reaching out to take the item. _

"_Eat," Adaiah said. Daniel raised his hand to his mouth to take a bite, when Jack stopped him by touching his shoulder gently._

"_Daniel, I don't think –"_

"_Shut up Jack." He pulled his arm away from O'Neill's hand._

"_Daniel, you really don't want to –"_

"_Jack!" Daniel turned to him and sighed. "Fine, if you're so worried about it, YOU do it." He held the blue thing out, staring into the wide brown eyes. "Just don't screw this up, Jack."_

_Jack's gaze bored into Daniel's as the colonel slowly stripped off his weapons, letting them land in the dirt before taking the soft ball out of the archeologist's hand. He took a deep breath, then another, and popped the item into his mouth, chewed it, and swallowed._

_"I won't disappoint you, Dr. Jackson."_

_"Yeah, right."_

___ A shiver ran through Jack's frame as he turned to Adaiah and gestured her onward. Her hand patted at his arm in a sympathetic gesture, then took him by the hand and led him away._

_Daniel didn't watch which way they went._

_He was too busy trying to figure out why the remaining four Relians had put their backs to him and walked off as if he were no longer there._

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED.

(FIY, I'm headed out of the land of the internet for maybe a week. Will try to update while I'm out, but you might want to 'follow' this story so FF let's you know when a new segment is up.)


	4. Chapter Three: Consequences

I'd been so angry at Jack for wanting to kill Ke'ra. Furious, actually. She'd had a second chance at a life where she could do some good; continue as a savior of worlds instead of their destroyer.

"You don't have to shoot everyone, Jack!"

"Well maybe I'd rather kill every single one of them, then have them kill the single one of you!"

He talked about killing others to save us – to save _me_, but he never let on he'd be willing to kill himself – to let me kill him.

"_Daniel, it's incredible, somehow these people **grow** stone, kinda like how the Tok'ra grow crystals, except it's all in one unit!" Sam pulled to a stop next to me, watching the Relians walking off with a confused expression. "What happened?" she asked. "Where's the colonel?" _

"_He went off with them to participate in some ritual they'd wanted **me** to take part in."_

"_What ritual, Daniel?" She had a note of panic in her voice that I didn't understand._

"_They wanted me to eat something – God forbid he let me do something simple as that. He always thinks he has to be the one to make the decisions and get things done, and watch, somehow he's going to screw it up and ruin relations with them."_

_Sam was staring over my shoulder at the pile of Jack's gear. _

"_Daniel...Daniel, you let him go? Why'd he leave his weapons? Daniel!" She seized me by the arms and shook me as she spoke, then let go to radio Teal'c. "Teal'c, get over here **now**. We have a problem." Her face was white, her eyes wide and slightly red. "Tell me what happened, in detail."_

"_We were just talking, and suddenly Todan turned and offered me a piece of food. He asked me to eat it and then follow one of the other Relians. It was some ritualistic thing that Jack couldn't just shut up and let me do."_

"_What was the food, Daniel?"_

"_What? Why does that matter?"_

"_Just tell me!" Sam shook me again right as Teal'c jogged up to join us._

"_Some round blue thing, looked kinda like a giant blueberry. They wanted me to eat it, he didn't, so I told him if he was so worried about it, he could do it, and not to screw it up."_

_Sam punched me in the face, and I landed flat on my ass in the dirt, staring at her as she ran off toward the nearest Relian and began gesturing wildly._

"_What the hell?" I said, looking up at Teal'c. "What'd I do?"_

"_You murdered O'Neill."_

"_What? No I didn't." Teal'c made no move to help me off the ground, so I hauled myself up and brushed at the dirt on my pants angrily. _

"_You deliberately exposed your current distrust of O'Neill to the Relians, and then ensured that he was punished in your place."_

"_No one got punished. They fed him, for God's sake!"_

"_The fruit of this world is poison, DanielJackson."_

"_What?"_

_Teal'c stared at me for a long minute, his dark eyes narrowed._

"_You truly did not know? Did you not read SG-5's reports on this planet?"_

"_I...skimmed..."_

_I sounded like Jack when approached about paperwork. Teal'c opened his mouth to reprimand me further when Sam ran past again. The Jaffa and I glanced at her, back at each other, and as one raced along behind._

"Sorry, Danny."

I don't know how he can even say the words, knowing what the acidic juices of that fruit did to his mouth, his throat, his stomach...He convulses, gagging, and I haul him upright into my arms as he vomits dark blood all over me. The spasm abates and he falls limp against my chest, trembling. His blood is tainted with the acid and burns my skin, but I don't move to wipe it away, too busy holding him close, willing this to be a sick, twisted dream.

For a moment I wonder if I'm still hallucinating in the grip of Amaunet's ribbon device.

I'm not, though. The sharp, hot scent of blood is too strong, the stinging burns forming where my clothes are being eaten away too real.

A breath shudders through Jack, one that somehow feels different than the preceding labored inhalations. I cup his face in my hand, tilting his head so I can look into his dulled brown eyes. Where before I saw nothing through their shutters, now I see agony and betrayal and shame, a maelstrom of expressions that tells me he thinks he somehow _deserves_ this.

"Don't die, Jack. C'mon you son of a bitch, don't you dare die!"

"Sor-ry...Da...ny." The last sound escapes on a sigh, and the head I'm holding falls sharply back to hang limp on lax, heavy shoulders. My arms come even more tightly around him and I bury my face in my friend's still chest, luxuriating in the feel of his poisoned blood dissolving my face as I cry the way I didn't for Sha're and wish someone would have for Ke'ra.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED

(Still headed out, the muse just hasn't shut up yet. You may see updates into tomorrow evening.)


	5. Chapter Four: Interlude

_The thin stone of the door shattered as Teal'c burst through it, landing shoulder-first on the smooth floor inside the house. He'd raced ahead of Sam, the thought not crossing his mind that the door might be unlocked, nor that it might not be as solid as Relian walls. Sam skidded through the broken entryway behind him, stumbling on the shards as he picked himself up. He steadied her, and together they stepped fully into the abode._

"_I'll dial," Sam said and dashed back out, running full-tilt toward the gate. Teal'c bent down to lift O'Neill in his arms, only the frowning of his eyebrows expressing the distress at the sight of Jack's pale, trembling form. _

_The Relians suddenly appeared between him and the Colonel, small hands outstretched in a gesture both warning and pleading._

"_Stand aside," he said. They did not budge._

_Behind him, Daniel burst into the small building, "Where's Sam going?" he panted. "Where's Jack?" Then he saw, and the Relians parted to let him stagger to his friend's side, the line forming up again to block Teal'c's passage._

_Todan entered the house as Daniel fell to the stone floor and pulled Jack into his arms, wiping at the blood that spotted his friend's lips and cheeks._

"_Teal'c, help me," he cried. "We have to get him to Janet–" _

"_You will not be allowed to take him until all is complete," Todan said, passing through the line of Relians to stand before Daniel. "Your grief is false, and so we are blind to it," he continued. _

"_What?!" Daniel shouted._

"_Our concern is genuine, I assure you," Teal'c added. Todan nodded at the Jaffa's words. _

"_I have no doubt about yours; it is this one who has proven himself unworthy of our trust."_

_Daniel was baffled. He was not unaware of alien cultures' tendency to trust him with no apparent reason – he'd gotten used to it, actually. To be the one not trusted came as a shock._

"_Wait, why? What did I do?"_

"_You did not trust in O'Neill," Teal'c supplied._

"_Of course I did," he retorted. Every eye in the small, barren house frowned at him._

"_Even now you lie," Todan accused sadly. "If it is true that you treat those you trust, those you would mourn, worse than you treat the dirt beneath your feet, then your existence is truly sad."_

_Jack coughed, blood bubbling out of his mouth, escaping on a low moan that tore Daniel's heart and drew Teal'c another step forward. _

"_Please," Daniel begged, "please, let us help him." Todan ignored him. "I don't understand; if I'm the one you don't trust, why did you let – oh god." It hit him. If the ultimate expression of love was self-sacrifice, the ultimate expression of trust was the offering of sacrifice. The Relians had sought to punish Daniel for his treatment of Jack, and Jack had tried to save him._

_Daniel had utterly destroyed his worthiness of Jack's trust by not only ignoring his warnings, but literally telling him to go sacrifice himself for Daniel – and to do it without disappointing Daniel in the process._

"_Only the untrustworthy are hesitant to trust," Todan said solemnly. "You have proven that you are entirely unworthy of the trust he had in you, and he was exceedingly worthy of the trust you refused to place in him."_

"_I do trust him. God, I trust him. I trust him with my life, I trusted him with Sha're –"_

"_You have never trusted him to make decisions you feel are best, DanielJackson," Teal'c intoned sadly. "This decision O'Neill made for you; to die that you would live."_

_Daniel hung his head._

"_Why, Jack, why did you do it? Why didn't you just drag me back through the gate and lecture me?" He lifted shimmering eyes up to Todan. "Isn't there anything you can do, any way to stop this?" The alien shook his head slowly, sadly, and Daniel slumped over the trembling body in his arms. "Don't die, Jack, please..."_

"_Sorry, Danny."_

"You may take him now," I hear Todan say. Jack is forcibly, but tenderly, lifted out of my arms by a Teal'c who's sternness makes Bra'tac look passive. I run bloodied fingers through my hair and lace them behind my bowed head, hearing the strands sizzle as I kneel where my best friend died.

"Move."

I turn to see Teal'c facing down a line of Relians between him and the broken door, their hands again held in that gesture of warning/pleading.

"We want you to know that your O'Neill is revered by all Relians from this day on. We understand you wish to take him home, but be aware that we would gladly rest him with our own heroes in honor. The whiteness of his bones resting amid the blackness of ours would forever be a reminder of our friendship with your people.

"However," here Todan stares down at me, still speaking to Teal'c's back even as his multi-hued eyes burn holes in me in the same way the acid fruit had burned through Jack, "this one may never return to our world, on pain of death. The balance of his transgressions were paid by his friend, and will not be held against your kind, but we will not have him where he can taint us with his distrust and unworthiness."

Teal'c nods once and walks away, Jack in his arms and the Relians parting before him. Abandoned, I drag myself to my feet, scrubbing at my eyes with the heels of my stained hands. The searing pain that results reminds me that somewhere I lost my glasses; before I can look around for them, Adaiah presses them against my palm.

"Thank you," I murmur as I follow Teal'c to the gate. Sam is hollering into her radio, demanding to know where we are, how Jack is. Neither of us reply, and when we crest the hill, she comes running, the open gate lining her silhouette in wavering blue. Her trembling fingers press into his neck, eyes widening abruptly at the shock of his blood eating through her skin. She doesn't pull away, seeking a pulse that I know she won't find. Her eyes meet Teal'c's, and she turns back to the gate, ignoring me utterly, blood dripping from the tips of her fingers, blood that is as much hers as Jack's.

Tiny black spots form in my vision as we walk, growing slowly larger as we reach the gate and cross through. A bleary, gray world meets my eyes as I exit the wormhole and collapse on the ramp, head in hands, barely able to see the rushing medics, Janet's voice a near-silent shrill in the air.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED

(The chronological formatting of this is kinda whacky – let me know in the comments if it's hard to follow, okay? Thanks everyone for the great reviews and encouragement, especially _Pain in the Mikta_, who may be the single reason why there are two more chapters done when I was going to wait until later to post!)


	6. Chapter Five: Aftermath

"What the hell happened?"

"Ask Daniel."

The ice in Sam's words would have frozen me but for the fire of Jack's blood. The General's shoes are a dark blur before my eyes, his voice both hard and soft in the same dichotomous moment.

"You all right, son?" He asks.

"It's not mine," I reply, even though at this point, at least half of it is. "I killed him, General."

"Come again?" The Texan drawl appears vibrantly in the word 'again,' displaying the disbelief this man has that I could ever do Jack harm.

I couldn't, he knows that. Not by choice, anyway. Not directly.

"I murdered him, because I was angry, and he didn't want me to die..." A gray blob forms by me, shorter than the solid bulk that is the General. I frown at it, then gasp as the gloom is broken by piercing white.

"I need him in the infirmary," the voice of Dr. Warner says. The General must have nodded because I'm being hauled to my feet. I take a step forward and smack into a firm warmth that wraps hands around my shoulders.

"You sure you're all right, son?" Hammond asks.

"Fine, Sir." Fine as I can be. "Didn't see you."

"I'm standing right in front of you, Dr. Jackson."

The piercing white attacks me again, but this time the pain is muted, barely a glow in the dark star on a distant ceiling.

"Doctor?" I don't know to which one of us Hammond is speaking, so I keep my silence.

"Sir...I don't think he can see."

I strain to make out more than dark blurs, but the room is even darker than it was before.

And then there is no room.

* * *

"The acid got into his eyes and burned them in much the same way it burned his clothes and skin. We're not sure if it will heal enough for him to see again – though the actual damage is healing."

"Major Carter and Teal'c?"

"Their burns were much less severe. Sam's fingers should heal in a few days, and Teal'c's symbiote has already repaired the damage to his chest from carrying the Colonel."

"And Colonel O'Neill?"

"As you're aware, sir, we were unable to resuscitate him. Preliminary autopsy information indicates that he died due to ingesting a significant amount of incredibly virulent acid while on the planet. All evidence says he ate the fruit willingly, Sir. No one forced him to do it."

_Daniel didn't force him, _I hear. I know that's what they'd been wondering, after what I'd said before passing out. I rub my now-clean fingers over the bandages covering my face, wondering if I look as much like a mummy as I feel.

No one's been to see me, not Sam or Teal'c, and even the General's visit was more to collect information than to offer comfort. And Jack...I'm glad for my blindness; it keeps me from seeing the empty place beside me where Jack would have been when I awoke.

He's always been there, either in a chair by the bed, or in the bed beside mine, knowing that my first word upon waking will be his name, my first thoughts of him. I've always relied on Jack to keep me safe, all of us safe. Even from the first time, when I thought he hated me, I trusted him with my life. Perhaps the thing that makes him the most dangerous man I've ever met is that he's the most loyal and trustworthy man I've met.

Well. He was, I remind myself. He's dead now. I killed him.

I must've called for him when I woke up, like I always do. I couldn't see her through the bandages, but I heard Janet's breath catch before she said softly 'He didn't make it, Daniel.'

That was all she said, and I didn't offer a reply. I lay silently, speaking only when the General came in to debrief me. I told him the story, from my failure to read the reports thoroughly, to my failure as a friend, to my failure to _do my job._ And then I simply stopped speaking, uncaring of what happened next.

"He's healthy enough to be moved to a cell, Sir, if you wish."

"No...let him stay here. There was no real malice in him, Doctor. I suspect what he's doing to himself will outweigh whatever anyone else could do to him. " Hammond sighs deeply.

"What about SG-1, Sir?"

"Doctor...I'm not sure there IS an SG-1 anymore. Not the way we know it. Jack's gone, Dr. Jackson will be lucky if he gets to stay with the program, let alone go off-world anymore...and I don't know if Major Carter or Teal'c will be able to work with him again. And all this is assuming he regains his sight!"

I stop listening, because I really don't care. Jack's dead, and nothing of what comes next really matters.

I realize that I'm not upset on his behalf. I'm horrified and distressed by the kind of death he died, but all of my sorrow and pain is for myself. For what I'll be missing out on because of what I did. I'm suddenly ashamed of my grief, something I never thought possible.

Janet must've drugged me, because I'm suddenly achingly tired again.

* * *

When I wake this time, it's to hear beloved voices around me, voices I wonder if I will ever hear speak in joy to me again. Right now, they whisper sadly, angrily, wearily above my head, near my feet...it's hard to tell where they are.

"I don't know how I feel about him, Teal'c. I mean, on the one hand, he's _Daniel_, and on the other...he got Co-" her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat before trying again, "Colonel O'Neill killed."

"I too am struggling with my feelings, MajorCarter. It is most distressing to see him injured, and yet, part of me wishes to do him harm."

"I want to hate him, but I can't." A small, warm hand covers one of my own, the rub of band-aids brushing over my skin.

"With his last words O'Neill apologized to DanielJackson. I do not believe that, had he lived, he would have wanted us at odds with each other."

"No, you're right...but...Teal'c...My heart still aches."

"As does mine."

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED

(Sorry if this chapter wasn't as good. The muse may have crashed...not sure. Thinking about what's going to happen next...Will Daniel get his sight back? What will happen to him? Is this the end of SG-1?)


	7. Chapter Six: The Impossible

"All right, Dr. Jackson. Open your eyes."

It's the last thing I want to do. I don't want to see her face, see the expression on it.

But I don't really have a choice. It's been a week since Jack died, and I've gotten used to my dark world. Dark inside, dark out.

The light isn't blinding, but it still stings. I have patches where things are muted, blurry, but once I put my glasses on, I can see well enough. I tell Janet as much, avoiding her gaze.

"Hopefully that will pass as the healing continues," she says. She dismisses me, asking me to stay on base, and I just nod, leaving the infirmary with much less fanfare than I when I arrived.

Without knowing quite why, I find my way to Sam's lab. She isn't there, thankfully; I'm not sure yet that I could face her. The memorial service for Jack is tomorrow, now that the scientists are done rooting around inside his body for information, and Sam's been off with Teal'c trying to set everything up.

Sitting on her desk is her latest experiment – one analyzing the acidic properties of Relian fruit. Someone had brought back samples from the planet recently and set them in a small pile on the desk, a pile which draws me forward in the same way as a magnet draws iron.

At the base of the pile is a small blue fruit, one that I've seen the likes of before, one I'd offered to my friend as I betrayed him.

I look at his face in my mind's eye, the blood seeping from holes burned in his cheeks, cavities eaten into his teeth, pain leaking from his eyes in salty tears. My fingers curl around the soft object, lifting it to my face where I smell its sweet aroma. I try to imagine how it felt to be eaten alive from the inside, and my tongue begins to sting. My begin to corrode, and I swallow my tears – and something more.

It isn't until I hear Sam screaming that I realize what I've done. I pass the back of my hand over my burning mouth and stare at the blue juice dissolving my skin, blending with my own blood to form a thick purple liquid that bubbles slightly as I watch.

She shakes me and I see her mouth moving, but I can't hear her voice anymore. The poison sizzles as it runs down my throat, sears my stomach, and as though listening through another's ears I hear shrill sirens reverberating through the concrete halls.

"Janet, do something!"

The ceiling flashes by me along with words like "stomach pump" and "activated charcoal." They're trying to save me, and I can't figure out why.

The sensation of a tube snaking down through my nose makes me vomit, and the combination of alien fruit acid and the juices of my own stomach is a torment of sharp edges scraping my insides raw. I am both horrified and comforted by the thought that this is how Jack died; torn between the agony of having put him through this torture, and the knowledge that there can be no more just penance for me.

A rush that is both warm and cool floods through me, its impossible duality dulling the pain of my death.

_Janet..._

"No, no drugs," I try to say, but I'm not sure they can hear me. "Please..."

The darkness that takes me is filled with a voice that shouldn't be there.

"Daniel..." it calls. "Daniel..."

In shock, I reply with the only word I can form, the name of that voice which cannot possibly be.

"Jack?"

"Hi Danny-boy. Nice of you to join me."

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED


	8. Chapter Seven: Revelations

"Jack?"

"Thought we'd established that already, Danny."

"Well, yes, but...you're dead," Daniel told the disembodied voice of his friend.

"And you're not?" The dark place is without substance, and Daniel is without form, yet he turns, searching without eyes for Jack.

"Well, be that as it may, I didn't have a meet-and-greet with my dead loved ones any of the other times I've died, and, no offense, but there are more of them than just you."

"So that's why you ate the fruit." The voice seems closer now, the declarative tone not quite masking an undercurrent of embarrassment, or surprise.

"What?"

"You missed your loved ones, missed me, and thought you'd join us?"

Had he a body, Daniel would have spun around, convinced Jack was right behind him.

"...No..."

"Then what, Daniel? Why'd you kill yourself?" The questions are an angry throb in the void.

"Besides the fact that I'd just killed you?"

"Obviously."

"I...I wanted to know how you died."

"You knew."

"Not really, not the way I wanted to. I wanted to experience it, to know how you felt."

"The acid didn't hurt, Daniel. Your actions did."

"I know that, Jack. I know. I'm so sorry."

The space around him is oppressively close, the emptiness crushing him.

"Why'd you do it, Daniel?"

"I told you!"

"I don't believe you."

"What? Why?"

"I didn't see you ask for a staff burn in the chest after Sha're died. You obviously didn't jump under a coverstone in solidarity with your parents. You really expect me to believe you'd die to find out how I felt in my last moments?"

Daniel freezes, if such a thing is possible in such a place, and the enveloping nothing becomes sharp and cold.

"It wasn't right."

"You killing yourself, or killing me?"

"Neither. Both. I ate that fruit because somehow, you being dead just wasn't right."

"Now we're getting somewhere." Jack's voice is warmer now, pleased. "What wasn't right?"

"Besides you being dead?"

"Obviously."

"I have no idea."

The enveloping emptiness radiates disappointment.

"Where'd you get the fruit, Danny?"

"It was on Sam's desk."

"Why?"

"She'd been doing an experiment on the acid...wait...no, she was setting up your memorial."

"So why was the fruit there?"

"Someone must've put it there. But...no one's been back to that planet since you died."

"And?"

"It was fresh." Daniel paused. "So how'd it get there?" Intensity radiated from the silence of Jack's voice like a tangible, invisible thing. "I was blind...unconscious for a while...maybe –"

"Voices are so easy, aren't they, Danny?" Jack interrupted, his tone musing. "So much simpler than the minutiae of appearances, the way someone moves, the particular shade of paint on a wall, the font on a sign..."

"That doesn't make sense," Daniel fumed. "I mean, it does, in theory, but I got your blood in my eyes. Your _poisoned, __**acidic**_ blood in my eyes. That's why I was blind!"

"Healed pretty well, huh? Surprising, that."

"Yeah, after a week."

"More than long enough for someone to sort out all of those minutiae, with a bit of fuzziness left behind 'just in case'."

"You're always so paranoid, Jack! And where'd you learn a word like minutiae anyway?"

"Well, I didn't figure 'Jackson get your ass up!' would really work with you."

_That_ sounded infinitely more like the Jack Daniel knew...had known...

"Stop that."

"What?"

"Moping."

"I'm not moping."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are."

"Aren't."

"Arr-"

"– are you sure you're dead, Jack?" Daniel exclaimed. For a long moment, the void's silence was his only answer.

"Tiny things are so important, aren't they, Danny?" Jack said finally. "You would know, that's what you do. Archeologist, Anthropologist, Linguist...your whole life is about taking the smallest of pieces and creating the whole from them. You're a big-picture kind of guy, but you're one of the few who's aware of every single little element of that picture at the same time."

"The houses," Daniel said suddenly.

"Hmm?"

"The stone houses, on Relia. Sam said they were one whole unit, and there were no signs of rock like that anywhere."

"So?"

"So where'd they come from? The fruit, the stone...it had to have come from somewhere." The intensity was back, pulsing, vibrating like the breath of an exultant runner, the beating heart of a discovery waiting to happen. "The fruit I handed you...where'd that one come from, too? It was so soft...and large enough...there's no way one of the Relians had it stuffed in a pocket somewhere. I don't even think they had pockets...Jack, Jack, is this real?!"

Silence again.

"You knew it would kill you, Jack. You read the reports, you paid attention at the briefing, that's why you and Sam and Teal'c were acting so formal, trying to ensure the Relians saw that you trust each other. So why'd you take it? You knew what it was, why'd you eat the damn thing?!"

"I trusted you, Danny."

"That doesn't seem like you, Jack. Not the trusting me part, but killing yourself like that, just because I was being mean to you? You're not the kind to leave the rest of the team like that, to give up your responsibility to us.

"Sorry, Danny."

"You didn't, did you?" The gears were whirling inside Daniel's mind, the nothingness surrounding him whirling in time with the speed of his thoughts. "Either that wasn't you, or you couldn't help it. Your behavior, what you did...it just wasn't like you."

"_Teal'c, help me!_"

_The thin stone of the door shattered as Teal'c burst through it._

"None of that was right either," Daniel realized, watching the memory unfold in his mind. "Teal'c is never so careless, he's a warrior, especially with you in danger he'd be cautious and alert in trying to find you."

"_I'll dial," Sam said and dashed out, running full-tilt toward the gate. _

"Sam's our medic, Teal'c runs faster...she would've been right by your side, trying to treat you."

_Teal'c bent down to lift O'Neill in his arms, only the frowning of his eyebrows expressing the distress at the sight of Jack's pale, trembling form. _

_The Relians suddenly appeared between him and the Colonel._

"_Stand aside," he said. _

_They did not budge._

"Teal'c wouldn't have let them stop him from getting to you, either...they would've had to forcibly restrain him, to stop him.

_Sam is hollering into her radio, demanding to know where we are, how Jack is. Neither of us reply, and when we crest the hill, she comes running, the open gate lining her silhouette in wavering blue._

"Why didn't the General send anyone through the gate to help? Janet, another SG team..."

_What the hell happened?_

_Ask Daniel._

"Sam had been waiting there long enough...with the gate open...shouldn't Hammond have known what had happened? Surely he would've asked Sam what was going on, she would've answered..."

So many miniscule parts of the whole mission were wrong, so many things either slightly or massively divergent that he was stunned he hadn't seen it before.

_A breath shudders through Jack, one that somehow feels different than the preceding labored inhalations. I cup his face in my hand, tilting his head so I can look into his dulled brown eyes. Where before I saw nothing through their shutters, now I see agony and betrayal and shame, a maelstrom of expressions that tells me he thinks he somehow deserves this._

"You."

"Come again?"

"You, Jack. They used YOU to keep me from paying attention. You in pain, physical, emotional, pain I caused. How could I focus on anything else? And after...then I was blind. God, Jack, you're right...how did I miss this?"

Silence. Again.

"You know, shutting up when I NEED your input is annoying as hell."

More silence.

"So what do I do, Jack? None of this is real, right? What – What – What do I DO?!"

"_Why'd you eat the fruit, Daniel?"_

"Because the world wasn't right, and somehow I knew that," he answered the memory. "If it had been real, and I'd died...well, I'm not sure there was anything left at the time anyway; you were dead, SG-1 was probably 'dead' too, Sha're is gone...and if it wasn't real, then maybe I'd have found a way out!"

The silence was somehow deeper, colder, emptier. He was alone in the void, now. Nothing was real, at some point his entire life had become an illusion, but he couldn't figure out when, or what to do now.

"_He's crashing!"_

The darkness flashed with light, hot pain stabbing him through the chest.

"_Again!"_

The light was blinding in a way the void could never have been, the pain vibrating through him with shocking intensity.

A warm hand he couldn't see wrapped around his, squeezing his fingers gently.

"_Danny."_

"Jack?" Daniel tried to squeeze back, but he was frozen, paralyzed, trapped and terrified. "Where are you?"

"_I'm here, Danny."_

"It wasn't real, Jack. I believed it, but it wasn't real."

"_It's okay, Danny. It's okay."_

"I don't know how to get out, Jack. I can't get back, I don't know how!"

"_Wake up, Danny. Just wake up."_

It seemed so simple, and impossible. Daniel stopped struggling against the darkness for a moment, focusing on the feel of Jack's hand surrounding his. He knew he had a body, knew it was there, and tried to find it, starting with his fingers and the warmth of his friend's touch.

From there, he found his arm, his shoulder, his chest, his head. His eyes.

Were they closed? He wasn't sure. He rolled them, feeling the eyeballs move in their sockets.

"Open my eyes?"

"_Just open them, Danny. Easy as pie."_

"I trust you, Jack."

"_I know, Danny. Open your eyes..."_

Daniel took a deep breath, aware of the movement of air through his lungs, braced himself...

...and opened his eyes.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED

(If any of my rabid readers are in or around French Lick Indiana, US of A, that's where I've landed for vacation. Wireless is spotty, so you may get updates while I'm here, may not. All depends on if I get inspired while riding horses and spelunking.

Anyway, hope that this chapter made some sense and answered some questions for any of you who noticed the little...inconsistencies in my tale thus far. Do let me know if it makes sense!)


	9. Note to Readers

Hey,

Sorry to tease you with the promise of a new chapter; Obviously, that's not what this is.

I wanted to let you all know that I might not be able to finish this as quickly as I got these first several chapters up.

I promise I'm working on it, but my muse is distracted.

I also wanted to let you know that I will be responding to all reviews personally, soon as FF lets me SEE THEM ALL. To those who haven't gotten a reply, or are guest commenters, I appreciate more than you could imagine your feedback and support. With the stuff going on right now, my spirits are lifted by your encouragement for me to keep writing and your assurances that you're enjoying my tale.

Continued thanks for your patience and enthusiasm,

MarieKR

_-Edit:_

_Heh, heh, just realized that I'm NOT supposed to do Author's Notes as chapters - this is why we read the rules carefully. I'm keeping this here so the chapter reviews and stats don't get screwy, but if the Powers That Be see this, I'm very sorry and I won't do it again!_


	10. Chapter Eight: Regrets

Gray.

Blurry gray.

Familiar blurry gray.

It clicked. Infirmary ceiling.

The right side of his bed felt odd, he discovered as he grew more aware of his surroundings. He turned his head slowly, feeling foggy and weak, but not in pain. His thoughts of gratefulness faded as he caught sight of the strong, calloused hand resting on top of his, fingers curled into the space between Daniel's fingers and thumb.

Daniel shifted his gaze to the wrist attached to that hand, following it to the arm, and up the arm to the gray-haired head resting on the mattress, creating an odd depressing by Daniel's hip.

_Jack._

Daniel threw himself into a seated position, whipping his hand out of his friend's and seizing the older man by the shoulders as Jack jumped upright, his eyes panicked.

"Daniel?" he said with a blend of surprise, confusion, and alarm, curling his hands around the archeologist's upper arms. "Daniel, lie down, you should be rest – Shit, Danny, you're awake!"

"Are you alive?" came Daniel's breathless reply.

"What? Of course I'm alive, Danny." Jack leaned closer, tightening his grip on Daniel slightly, trying to ease him back into the bed. Janet appeared by the bed, having been alerted by Jack's shout, and a concerned but happily relieved expression graced her face. She reached to help lie Daniel back down, but he only clutched at Jack, disoriented and thoroughly unconvinced.

"You died, you died, I killed you, Jack, I got you killed, you ate this poison fruit and you bled to death right there in front of me, in my arms –"

"Daniel, DANIEL!" Jack said, overpowering his young friend's rapid torrent of words. "It wasn't real, Daniel, okay? Whatever you saw, it wasn't real. I'm alive, Danny, I'm here, I'm fine."

"Colonel, he's hyperventilating, I have to get him calmed down," Janet said from beside him, trying to move him aside so she could get to Daniel's IV line.

"The absolute last thing he needs right now is more shit in his system, Doc. Just give me a minute." He turned back to Daniel, moving one hand to seize the archeologist's wrist and gently but forcefully relocate the man's hand to a spot right over Jack's heart.

"Feel that, Danny?" He said softly, using that gentle tone he reserved for scared animals, small children, and post-hallucinatory archeologists. "Got a heartbeat. It's running a bit fast because you're freaking me out here, but it's there. I'm fine, Daniel. I'm fine, it's okay."

Daniel stared at Jack's eyes for a minute, then shifted his gaze down to the hand that rested over his friend's heart, the Colonel's hand still pressing Daniel's against his chest. The reassuring beat began to slow, and Daniel's with it as the panic attack eased.

Jack sighed in relief and sat down on the side of Daniel's bed, running a hand through his hair and staring down at his knees.

Janet slid closer, gently placing her fingers over Daniel's wrist to check his pulse, making sure the beat under her fingers matched the readings on the monitors beside the bed. Satisfied with that, she looked down at the still-confused man, considering her next step.

"Doctor Jackson, can you tell me where you are?" she asked finally, deciding now was as good a time as any to try and determine just how confused he was.

"Infirmary," Daniel replied, eyes still fixed on Jack in a sort of guilty wonder.

"Birthdate?"

"Same as it always is," he quipped.

"Your birthday, please, Daniel," she said sternly. He sighed and answered that question and the three following, then frowned as she ended her inquisition with 'What's the last thing you remember?'

"Uh...well, um, killing myself, actually," he said sheepishly.

"WHAT?" two voices shouted in unison, Janet turning pale and Jack turning red as he lurched to his feet.

"Yeah, well, I guess it seemed like the thing to do at the time, and since it wasn't even real..." Jack sighed deeply, ran a hand through his hair again, and settled back down – on the chair this time, instead of the bed.

"Explain, Daniel. Pretend it's a briefing – don't hold back on the details, please." This was an unusual request from Jack, but the seriousness on his face told Daniel that Jack found the information important. He found himself trying to remember what exactly he'd said as he woke up.

"...and then you told me to open my eyes, so I did, and, well, I guess it worked."

After he'd finished, Janet slipped off to phone General Hammond and the rest of SG-1 to let them know Daniel was awake, while Jack filled Daniel in on what he'd missed while unconscious.

"Danny," Jack said slowly, threading his fingers through his hair _again_, "I said that two days ago."

"No," Daniel said, perplexed. "No, I heard it just before I woke up. Right before."

Jack shook his head slowly.

"Danny, I haven't said "I know, Danny, open your eyes," in two days. I said those words right after you muttered that you trust me." he watched the archeologist for a moment, blinking slowly. "You must have really heavy eyelids..." he mused.

Daniel chuckled weakly.

"So how long have I been out?" he asked.

"A week...and a half?" Jack said uncertainly. "I'm not exactly sure what day it is at this point, actually."

Daniel frowned. Jack could be somewhat absent-minded in his own way, and certainly pl ayed the dumb-colonel bit to the hilt, but Daniel had never known him to forget the day of the week, even off-world.

"Okay..." he said slowly, deciding not to pursue the topic. "So...what actually happened?"

"Well, you being snotty was real – which is what caused all this, actually. I guess this fruit puts _them_ in some sort of commune-with-each-other state; it's how they resolve conflicts, apparently. Non-punishment correction, someone called it. It only ends when they sort out whatever was pissing them off. Anyway, for _us_, it knocks us – or in this case, _you_ – flat on our asses with hallucinations so strong they cause actual harm even though it's all in your head."

Janet must've explained this to Jack several times, because he seemed to have the speech memorized. Or maybe he'd just been waiting for more than a week to berate Daniel. It was certainly enough time to prepare.

"So Janet fixed me?" he asked.

"Nah, I guess it's like a virus, it goes until it's done. You fought it off on your own, Danny..." Jack paused, his fingers twisting in an odd, helpless gesture, "...but we almost lost you."

"I'm sorry, Danny," he added after a moment. "I'm sorry."

It wasn't something Jack said often, and Daniel's last memory of those words coming from those lips involved pain and blood and death. Daniel shivered, causing Jack to look up in concern, but Daniel spoke before he could.

"Why?" he asked, honestly and thoroughly confused.

"Because this is my fault." Jack caught Daniel's incredulous look and continued. "I started that fight, before we left on the mission. I got you angry, right before taking you into a situation where we needed to be at our best."

"You're not responsible for my actions, Jack," Daniel argued.

"Maybe not, but I still feel like the cause of them." Jack's eyes unfocused as he remembered the shouting match they'd had – in the hallway, of all places. Right in front of everybody, almost entirely out of the blue. He didn't remember what started it off, but what he did remember...

_"Damn it, Daniel, will you ever _not_ try to get yourself killed?"_

_"I don't _try_ to get myself killed, Jack."_

_"You chased a newly-restored _**Destroyer of Worlds**_ into a tiny room where she was trying to kill herself and nearly you, then planted yourself right between my gun and my target!"_

_"And you barged into a situation about which you didn't know all the details with the decision already made to kill first and analyze later!"_

_"You were in DANGER, Daniel!"_

_"Yeah, and how is that different from what we do every day?"_

_"Because you waltzed right into this one knowing _exactly_ the risk you were taking!"_

_"And what would you have done, Jack? Shot her?"_

_"Damn straight!"_

_"You can't just shoot everyone, Jack!"_

_"Just the ones who threaten my team!"_

_"You don't take enough time to decide if they're really threatening before you whip your gun out! There are dozens of people who didn't have to or don't have to die because you get trigger-happy!"_

"_Well maybe I'd rather kill every single one of them, then have them kill the single one of you!"_

"_And maybe I'd rather die than have you kill any of them!"_

"_And what if it was me, huh, Daniel? Or Carter, or Teal'c, or Hammond – what if it had been Sha're?"_

"_Damn it, Jack, yes, I'd watch you die before I took a life – especially if you'd gotten yourself into the mess in the first place, which is always what happens when you rush in guns blazing!"_

He'd known Daniel hadn't meant it, but the words still stung. They'd both been out of line, Jack afraid for Daniel's well-being and state of mind, Daniel caught in a turmoil of emotions wrapped up in two particular females.

It was a strange situation, and neither of them had handled it well, Jack thought. He hated being afraid or worried more than most people could understand. The emotions didn't sit well in him; he didn't know how to process them, how to interact with them. It was so much easier to get angry, and let than anger drown the other things out.

If he hadn't gotten angry, things might not have gone so far south...

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED:

Hey, you guys did get an update! I couldn't sleep last night with all the stuff that'd been going on, so I managed to sit down with my grandparents (with whom I am vacationing) and they helped me brainstorm this chapter. I'm 'actively' working on the next...I promise I'll try to keep updating; we're almost at the end, I think!

Thanks to everyone for their well-wishes, and stay tuned for Jack's revelation of what REALLY happened.


	11. Chapter Nine: Reality

_I nearly forget my irritation with Daniel as we arrive on Relia, the stunning colors of the planet captivating me more than I'll ever admit. You can't like astronomy the way that I do without appreciating nature in general, and the nature on this particular planet puts most others to shame._

"_Are you seeing this?" I ask._

"_Of course I am, Jack," Daniel snips._

_Irritation remembered, I grit my teeth and try to focus._

Don't reply, don't reply, don't reply, _I chant mentally, comment after snarky comment popping up in my mind. _They should have a 'kept your mouth shut' medal, _I catch myself thinking, _It's easier to save Earth than it is to zip it sometimes!

_Fighting my growing frustration with Daniel's behavior, I manage to keep my cool and interact with Carter and Teal'c in the formal, overly — and ridiculously — respectful manner we'd decided upon during the briefing._

_The one that Daniel had attended and just tried to use against me in the gateroom._

_So why the hell is the kid acting like he hadn't paid a lick of attention? I study him in concern as we walk through the village. Dark circles hide behind his glasses and small lines crease his face in patterns I swear weren't there a week or two ago. There may have been signs of them that I dismissed as stress and sadness, but they've gotten worse, not better. In fact, since Ke'ra and that ridiculous argument Danny and I had in the hallway yesterday…the guy looks horrible._

_The Relians notice too, casting odd looks in Daniel's direction, muttering to themselves. He doesn't notice — until Todan stops abruptly, and I'm instantly on my guard. The Relian reaches out and drops what looks like a giant blueberry into Danny's hand. I lurch forward, getting between him and Adaiah as she moves forward._

"_Don't eat that, Dan—uh!" Something thuds into my back and then slides down it._

_Daniel._

_Spinning around I drop beside him, batting the blue orb out of his hand with the back of my gloved one, then checking his pulse with my exposed fingertips. I'm so glad I wore my fingerless combat gloves; I can feel both the oddly slow and forceful beat of Daniel's heart, and the cool metal of my P-90's trigger as I aim it at the Relians, daring them to come closer._

_My heart kicks into high-gear when Daniel doesn't reply to me as I call his name._

"_Carter, Teal'c," I say, moving my fingers from his throat to the button on my radio. "Daniel's down; we're on the North-East side of the village. Get here _now." _I glare at Todan, staying crouched over Daniel. "What'd you do to him?" I demand._

_He doesn't seem to have a clue._

"_You are not together?" He asks, innocently confused. The other Relians look scared._

"_What?" I've run out of patience long ago, thanks to Danny's attitude — I don't have any to spare for these funny little aliens that have suddenly endangered my best friend. "Tell me what you gave him; your fruit's supposed to be acidic, not coma-inducing!" I don't know if he's actually _in _a coma, but he's certainly unconscious, and that's not good._

"_He should be with you," the Relian replies. "He should be…reconciling."_

_I don't have a clue what that means. Teal'c arrives, taking up a position beside me and readying his staff weapon. Feeling less outnumbered, I straighten up, keeping my gun trained on these guys._

"_He's unconscious, that's what he is. What happened?"_

"_The _sh'har'yan _is used to resolve conflict," Adaiah says softly from the side, her eyes frightened. "When one of us is at odds with another, we hold one in our hand and connect with the other. We bond, we are...together, in the mind, and are so linked until trust is restored." She pauses. "It is...uncomfortable, but there is no danger."_

_Todan's nodding, and I lower my gun slowly, still watching them intently._

"_I have never seen nor heard of such a reaction to the _sh'har'yan_," Todan says. "I am sorry."_

_Carter runs up and falls to her knees next to Daniel, checking his pulse and running her hands over him, looking for injuries._

"_Heartbeat's…unusual, Sir, but I don't see any wounds," she reports. The formal attitude we'd adopted for the planet is long gone. "What happened?"_

"_Been trying to figure that out. They handed him some kind of fruit to try and get the bug out of his ass, apparently, and he keeled over."_

"_He ate it!?" she gasps, appalled._

"_Just touched the damn thing," I reply, frustrated._

"_We need to get him to Janet, Sir," she says. I nod to Teal'c, who relaxes his stance and hands Carter his weapon, bending down to lift Danny in his arms. The kid moans and gasps, his face turning white and taking on an expression of pained horror. I step close and place a hand gently on his chest._

"_Sorry, but we need to get you home, Danny," I tell him, frowning as he shudders. "Teal'c, take off; I'll catch up." As the Jaffa runs off, Daniel cradled in his arms, I turn to Carter and issue a final order: "Find out what you can about this fruit thing, see if you can bring back a sample or something." That done, I dash off toward the gate, trying not to be afraid._

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED: Sorry this took so long, got home from vacation and got caught back up in life. Next chapter should be up soon. Also sorry if you find any errors: I only just found a beta for my Stargate stuff, and I promised I wouldn't dump on her until my next story, so I'm editing alone on this one!

Also, just had some issues with the chapters doing funky things; they're back correct now, so you can comment on the new chapter if you want; I was messaged and told it wasn't working, it should be fixed now.


	12. Chapter Ten: Interim

_'Still' is probably the last word anyone would use to describe Daniel Jackson. Well, maybe not the _last_, but close. He's just too _alive,_ too much energy pulsing through him for stillness. He doesn't fiddle with things or fidget the way I do, but he's in movement somehow regardless. _

_Or maybe...no, maybe he is still. He's like a deer, then, never statue-still, never frozen, but poised, intent, examining, focusing, somehow incredibly and unmistakably alive even in his lack of movement._

_Which is why his current state is shocking in the extreme. I've never seen him like this, except in death. I can picture vividly his crushed body after trying to escape that mine on Shyla's planet. The difference is, when he was dead, he was statue-still. Now, he's frozen, except his eyes. They race beneath their lids, flickering back and forth and around. It's freakish; even Janet's creeped out – you can see it when she pulls back an eyelid and flinches before shining that blasted light of hers at him. _

_I find myself hoping he jerks backward and cries out in pain, instead of mumbling words we can't quite hear in a voice that breaks my heart. He's hallucinating, apparently, and I wouldn't walk in his dreams right now for the world ten times over._

_He was like this before we even got to the gate; when I caught up to Teal'c, it was only because Danny's struggles had the Jaffa deeply concerned. For a while, the kid had been nearly thrashing about, his body jerking as though being shaken. He even snapped his head back once, and for a moment I wondered if he'd been hit in the head in whatever nightmare he was living._

_He calmed down a bit after that, though the breaking-my-heart tone settled into his voice around that point. He's being hurt in this dream of his, and I hate it. I can't help but feel like this is my fault. It's so easy to argue with him, but I'm the team leader, the CO, the older person, for God's sake! I should be more mature than that._

_But apparently I'm not, so now he's flat-out on an infirmary bed, far too still with those blue eyes rattling around inside his head and scaring the shit out of me. I can't help worrying that he won't wake up._

_His heartbeat's still...odd. Janet doesn't have a word for it; it's beating incredibly slowly, with these deep, hard movements, like clenches or spasms. If it keeps up like this it'll fail, it wasn't built to take this kind of stress._

_I stare at him from my spot on the bed next to him, swinging my feet in nervous boredom, wondering if Carter's got anything figured out about that damn fruit yet. It's definitely acidic, she's confirmed, but there's some other chemical in the thing that she can't identify yet. It didn't help that the chemical is secreted right through the skin of the blueberry-thing, so just a touch was more than Danny could handle. _

_I can't help but be glad for that – what if he'd tried to eat it?_

_We've all figured out at this point that he wasn't paying much attention to the briefing – which is incredibly unusual for him...I'm not even sure it's happened before. When...if...he wakes up, I'm going to find out why his head wasn't in this mission. I can probably guess, but I want to make sure. _

_This can't happen again._

_He's in the infirmary for three days before he says something I understand, and I'm so tired I nearly miss it. Janet's been letting me crash on the bed next to him – mainly because I ordered her to stop trying to kick me out, and the General must've backed me up because she actually did._

_He says my name, and for a moment, I think he's waking up. I shout for Janet, and a nurse runs to hunt down Hammond and the rest of the team as I lean over our archeologist, hoping to see those restless eyes open._

_The false alarm is like a gunshot, but his new condition is infinitely better than the endless, anguished muttering from before. I talk to him, but he replies sporadically, and not to me. It's like hearing one end of a long-distance satellite conversation; the responses are incredibly far apart and make no sense at all. _

_The first odd thing I catch is 'meet-and-greet' and 'dead loved ones' – I think. After saying my name he'd gone back to mumbling, though thankfully with a less heartrending tone of voice. He sounds more like he's puzzling something out now, when he speaks. I wish I could make out more of the words, help him solve whatever it is. Maybe when he figures it out, he'll wake up._

_A week in, and suddenly he stiffens, shouting "What do I do, Jack!?" I seize his shoulders as his body shudders, trembles, words tumbling from his mouth. Between the shrieking monitors and the speed at which he speaks, I can't understand any of it, but I know something's gone wrong. Janet comes rushing in, a look of panic on her face._

_His heat stops, and I'm being shoved away, the wailing flatline shredding my ears. They drag out the paddles and Janet shocks him once, twice, and suddenly he's back, and his eyes are finally still beneath their lids._

_Now there's nothing but the slow rise and fall of his chest._

_Danny doesn't do this kind of still, and I realize I preferred the endless movement. I think Teal'c does too, judging by the deepened frown on his face the next time he visits after Daniel's stable again._

_Janet says his heart's beating normally now, though, if a bit slowly. The violent beats are over, and from what she can tell, the muscle is tired, but not damaged. If only he'd wake up and tell us if his chest hurts._

"_Danny..." I whisper, taking his hand in mine, not expecting a response. "I sorry, Danny. I don't know what you've been going through lately – before the mission and all...well, this, that is – but I want to help. Wake up and I'll do anything I can to help out, okay? I won't be an ass this time._

"_Just don't die on us again."_

_"__J'k?" It's my name again, and I'm not even going to hope that he's awake as I clench his hand tighter in my own. _

_"__I'm here, Danny."_

_He doesn't reply, but I'm not expecting him too. Hours later he speaks again._

_"It wasn't real, Jack," he mumbles. "I believed it, but it wasn't real..."_

_I have no clue what he's talking about, but he seems so lost, all I can think to do is console him._

_"It's okay, Danny. It's okay."_

_"I don't know how to get out, Jack." It's almost like he's carrying on another satellite conversation, but this time with me. Janet must've thought he'd woken up, because I hear her footsteps clacking angrily across the floor. They stop when I shake my head at her, letting her know he's still unconscious. "I can't get back," he moans. "I don't know how!" His heart rate shoots up, and I lean closer._

_"Wake up, Danny. Just wake up." _

_It's so impossibly simple. You don't just wake up out of a coma, or whatever it is he's in right now. _

_Wish he could, though._

_A while later, when Carter's sitting with me chatting and casting worried glances at him Daniel shifts, the first independent movement he's had since his eyes stopped rolling around wildly. I pat his hand, call his name, but after a few minutes he stills again. When the Major leaves a while later I find my way into bed._

_I'm half-asleep when I hear "Open my eyes?" from the bed next to me._

_"Just open them, Danny," I say, cracking mine apart blearily. "Easy as pie." Yeah right, mine are falling closed again already. He doesn't say anything more, so I let myself fall asleep._

_"I trust you, Jack," he says the next afternoon._

_"I know, Danny," I tell him. "Open your eyes," I say, nearly begging, willing my voice not to break. I'm The Colonel, I'm Jack O'Neill, second-in-command of this base, and I can't get emotional over this._

_But I do anyway when after twenty minutes nothing more has happened. Overwrought, I flee the infirmary for the first time in a more than a week and find myself in the gym, beating the snot out of a punching bag._

_Then the punching bag is alive, and moving, chocolate-colored instead of gray-black. I pause, looking up at Teal'c, wondering when exactly he arrived and I switched targets. He's a bit sweaty, but no worse for wear, so I'm confident that it either hasn't been long, or I wasn't being particularly careful with my aim. Not that I can usually injure Teal'c anyway._

_He stands a few feet away, letting his arms fall to his side as he raises an eyebrow at me. I stare at him for a minute before leaving the gym, examining my bruised, bloody knuckles as I head back to Daniel's bedside. Janet patches me up, looking uneasy but refraining from the lecture I know she wants to give._

_She pats me on the shoulder, gives Danny another once-over and then walks away, giving me a bit of privacy instead. I hear low murmuring and realize she's sending Teal'c away; I hadn't been aware he'd followed me. Taking Daniel's hand in my bandaged one I drop my head on his mattress and sigh, too weary to say the words I keep repeating in my mind;_

_'Wake up...'_

* * *

We're closing in on the end. One more chapter, two, not sure yet! Hope you're satisfied with what REALLY happened, the OOC-ness should be explained by now. :)


	13. Chapter Eleven: Reconciliation

"So, you weren't talking to me after I 'killed' myself?"

"I was, but I wasn't saying what you were hearing, apparently."

Daniel thought for a minute.

"It's strange to think that my subconscious chose to manifest itself as _you,_" Daniel laughed.

Jack scowled, shaking a fist at his friend in mock anger.

The archaeologist ran his fingers over the bandages on Jack's hand, slightly ashamed he hadn't noticed them before.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, they'll heal up quick. Mostly bruising; I guess Teal'c showed up before I could do any real damage to myself."

Daniel looked down, and Jack smacked him lightly in the shoulder with the back of one hand.

"Hey, I'm fine, Danny, promise. Now that you're awake, everything's good."

The archaeologist sighed.

"I'm sorry about how I acted, Jack," he said sadly. "I guess I haven't really been myself lately." Jack sat and listened quietly. "Sometimes I wonder if Sha're really was my 'better half;' if she was the only really good part of me. I was never much of anything until I met her, and for so long finding her kept me going, gave me an end to work toward and someone to make proud of me. Without her..." Jack leaned forward, interrupting.

"Daniel, you're a good man, all on your own. We disagree and we argue, but we do trust each other. Implicitly. It's a kind of trust the Relians just can't understand; their society can't create situations where they'd need to put their lives in another's hands. There's no one I'd rather have at my back going through a door, but that doesn't mean I'm not worrying about whether I should be covering your six or standing guard on point. I trust you; I'm also afraid of losing you, and that's something that wouldn't be true if all the good stuff about you was because of Sha're."

Daniel looked at him, eyes narrowed in thought.

"It's hard to believe that when the week after my wife dies I'm –"

"You rebounded, Daniel," Jack interrupted. "You didn't know who she was, just that she was smart, lovely, a bit sad and very interested in you. You'd been lonely for three years, searching for your wife and then you'd just lost her completely." He caught Daniel's watery eyes with his own, keeping his voice gentle but firm. "You reacted. You let yourself feel good for the first time in a long time, Danny. You didn't do anything wrong, you haven't lost any of your 'goodness'. You just acted human, and Sha're would understand."

"Well I don't."

"You're not always going to, Danny," Jack said softly. "That's something that's hard for people like you and Carter to deal with, the fact that some things — even things about yourself — you just won't ever understand. Just…just believe me when I say that it's all right, you don't have to." The two men looked at each other for a moment, Jack's eyes intense, Daniel's wary.

"Trust me, Danny," Jack said, the humor in his voice letting Daniel know that his friend was very much aware of the irony in that statement.

Daniel snorted at him.

"Sure thing, Jack," he said, then laughed. Jack joined in, squeezing the archaeologist's shoulder gently.

"Now get some rest. Sam and Teal'c wanna talk to you, but you should probably sleep first, or Janet'll have my ass." Daniel laughed again, using his chuckles to hide a yawn he hadn't seen creeping up on him.

"Yeah, where've they been?"

"They feel kinda guilty, actually, for no good reason, I might add."

"Just like you?"

"Can it, Daniel. They're right; all three of us should've said or done something before you got hurt, and we didn't. We'll have to deal with that once you're back on your feet."

"Jack, no one did anything—"

"Daniel," Jack said with a warning tone.

"Right, canning it. 'Night, Jack," he said, relaxing into the bed.

"Night Danny."

Jack left, finally confident that Daniel was going to be okay, and headed off for his quarters, collapsing into his own bed when he arrived and getting the first real sleep he'd had since Ke'ra had left.

Daniel also slept peacefully, still slightly worried about Jack and the rest of his team, but confident not that things were _going_ to be okay, but that they already were — all that was left were the formalities of making things better.

* * *

_Sorry about the wait, folks! Just started putting up another Stargate story about Jack falling through the wormhole from the wrong side, and I have the first chapter of a Nu!Trek story with my Beta right now. Thanks for all the reviews and compliments, especially any guests who commented! I wish I could reply to you personally, but this shall have to suffice. :)_

_I could use some thoughts on how this is going to go; next chapter is going to be very team-centric, with everybody figuring out what they did wrong and how to NOT do that again - but what about the poison-blueberry-dealing aliens? What should I do with them?_

_-MKR_


	14. Chapter Twelve: Moving Forward

Daniel sighed deeply, moving his glasses so he could pinch the bridge of his nose in ac.

"Sam, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Jack: you are not responsible for my actions."

"I'm not saying I am. What I'm saying is that _my_ actions, or lack thereof, were just as out of line as yours were."

"I must agree, DanielJackson," Teal'c said. Daniel lifted his head from his hand and stared at the Jaffa.

"With me, or with Sam?"

"My inaction was inappropriate as well."

"Guys—" Daniel started, a headache building behind his eyes.

Jack interrupted.

"Okay, kids, we're going around in circles here. Sharing time: I want each of you to tell me what you did wrong, and why." Daniel raised both an eyebrow and an index finger. "Yes, Danny?"

"Why what we did was wrong, or why we did what we did that was wrong?"

"Let's go with both, and you're up."

Daniel took a deep breath and let it out on a sigh.

"Well, starting from the beginning, I let my wife get kidnapped and killed—"

"Daniel!" The archaeologist stopped, blinking at Jack a couple times, his eyes saying '_What, it's true and you know it.'_ "The point of this is NOT to beat ourselves or each other up over mistakes. It's to examine what went wrong so that we do better next time. Stick with _this mission_ and focus on that, okay?"

Daniel sighed again and started over, speaking in a resigned monotone.

"I didn't pay attention to the mission reports or the briefing and missed out on important information. I then neglected to pay attention to the behavior of my teammates and the aliens with whom we were interacting while off-planet, and put myself in danger."

"Okay," Jack said, patting Daniel on the shoulder once. "Why was that wrong?"

"Because it made me unprepared and unaware of the danger I put myself in?" Daniel said with a sarcastic air, as though that were obvious — which, incidentally, it was.

"And why did you do it?"

Daniel hung his head, hiding his face behind his hand as he massaged his temples.

"Because I was…still am…upset over Sha're and then Ke'ra and I know it's no excuse but—"

"Daniel!" The archaeologist looked up at his friend. "Danny, we're not mad at you. It's a learning exercise, okay?" The younger man nodded. "We all have bad days, we all have emotional days, we just have to know how to handle it — a lot of the time that means not hiding it from the rest of the team." Jack paused. "Now, Carter, your turn."

Sam straightened her back, sitting in the chair straighter as though defending herself in front of a jury. Jack raised a finger at her, giving her his exasperated-sound 'ah!' and she relaxed slightly.

"I noticed Daniel wasn't acting like himself. He didn't seem quite like he was paying attention during the briefing, and he certainly wasn't acting like he'd been paying attention when we went through the gate — but I didn't say anything to anyone about it. I should've pulled him aside and talked to him before we ever went off-world, and barring that, I should have said something to him once I noticed his behavior on Relia." She stopped and hesitated for a moment before continuing. "I then let my curiosity get the better of me and distract me from my team during a situation that became dangerous." Jack lifted the finger again.

"Wrong on that score, Carter. You had no way of knowing the planet or its inhabitants posed any danger to anyone. I'll give you that you should've said something, but running off to explore those buildings was entirely fine — and I said you could. It was part of your job being there, remember?" Sam nodded. "Now, why was it wrong?"

"Because had I acted, I could have headed off some of Daniel's mistakes before they happened and prevented him from being hurt."

"And you did it because?"

"Honestly, Sir?" Sam blushed a bit. "I'm not used to Daniel being unprepared." She turned to Daniel, noticing him flinch slightly. "No, it's not your fault, Daniel; I felt uncomfortable around you after Sha're died because I really didn't know what to say or do, and I felt even _more_ uncomfortable with the whole Ke'ra thing, especially when we found out who she really was. I felt awkward and didn't know how to approach you, so I wasn't paying attention to you acting out of character." She looked at him steadily, blue eyes meeting blue eyes. "I'm sorry, Daniel," she said.

"It's okay, Sam, I understand." The two smiled at each other, and Jack joined in.

"Well, that was easy. So, Teal'c—"

"I did not speak to you or DanielJackson upon observing his strange behavior," Teal'c said solemnly. "This was a poor decision as it prevented me from both aiding DanielJackson with his troubles and assisting him in avoiding the circumstances which led him to injury. I chose not to approach him because I felt ashamed at my part in the capture and subsequent death of Sha're, and felt that I had both no right to speak with him on the matter and no assistance to offer."

Jack realized his jaw was hanging open slightly and shut it with a quiet _snap_, clearing his throat before speaking.

"Good…good job, Teal'c. Now, uh, my turn—"

"Hang on, Jack," Daniel said. He looked at Teal'c. "Teal'c…you need to know, I don't hold what happened to Sha're against you. I stopped holding a grudge over her capture a long, _long_ time ago, and Sha're herself, through the ribbon device, told me to forgive you. She helped me see that you did the right thing, and I'm grateful to you for saving my life. I don't want you to feel ashamed or uncomfortable around me, okay?" Teal'c stared at Daniel for a minute and then inclined his head gracefully; though he obviously wasn't 'over it,' the Jaffa was beginning to truly realize that his friendship with the archaeologist remained.

"Right," Jack said, clearing his throat again, obviously uncomfortable with the touchy-feely-ness of the present turn in the conversation. "Now, me, I'm the team leader here — AND I'm the one who got in the fight with Danny in the first place. I should NEVER have taken any of you through the gate when the team wasn't functioning at its best. I should have been the one to confront Daniel, actually, I shouldn't have upset him in the first place, which I'm sure added to the distraction you were going through," he said pointedly to the archaeologist, who nodded. "It was wrong because when I don't make sure my team is in top form things like this happen and it's my responsibility to keep all of you safe. As for why I did it…" Jack looked down. "I was angry and I was worried and I assumed that there wasn't going to be any danger to deal with. I let my guard down, _and_ I didn't want to rock the boat further. I'm sorry."

"Your apology is accepted, O'Neill," Teal'c said. Daniel and Sam nodded their agreement.

"Thanks. So," Jack said, trying to move on to a less sappy segment of the conversation — again, "What do we do next time instead of making these mistakes? I don't take the team through the gate when its members are having issues."

"I pay attention to reports and briefings," Daniel chimed in,

"—and let us help you when you're having problems, Daniel," Sam added. He nodded to her sheepishly. "I should stop letting being uncomfortable about something keep me from doing what needs doing," Sam said.

"As should I," Teal'c agreed.

"And we shall no longer offer our fruit to those who are not of Relia," Todan said from his place at the head of the briefing table. Adaiah nodded in agreement with him.

"We were unaware that the fruit would have a different affect on another than it does with us — we have not met travelers through the Doorway in many centuries, and our stories tell of them sharing food and drink with us. We will be more careful in the future," the young Relian said, her voice confident, if slightly embarassed.

"Hey, nobody holds it against you," Jack said. "We're just glad that Daniel's okay and our peoples are still friends."

"It would be unwise to disband our friendship over this misunderstanding; we are honored that you are yet willing to give us your trust," Todan replied.

"And we are honored to have yours, Todan," General Hammond said. The Relian inclined his head gracefully at the General.

"As it appears the misunderstanding has been resolved, it would be prudent for my people to return through the Doorway; we are grateful to you for your continued trust and the privilege of experiencing your world."

"Well, this isn't much of our world," Jack said, "but we look forward to the day when you can experience more of it."

"As do we."

With that, Todan, Adaiah, and the four Relians who had accompanied them were escorted from the briefing room to the gateroom so that they could return home.

SG-1 and Hammond followed to see them off, heading for the surface once their new friends were gone and the gate had closed.

"I did have a question about those houses, by the way," Daniel said to Sam. "In my hallucination you said that they were all one big unit or something — is that true? Did you ever figure out where they got the rock?"

"Oh, yeah, somehow they grow or summon it — I think it's a chemical reaction of some kind; they pour this sap from the surrounding bushes over the ground in the shape they want the room to be and it just kinda rises up like bread. Once the roof is thick enough they coat the formation with the juice of some fruit — not the one they handed you — and it stops the reaction. They do this where they want the inside to be, and leave enough still growing to create walls and lift the ceiling up — and then they repeat the process where they want the next room to be!"

Daniel, still not quite at his peak after being sick for so long, didn't quite understand and began asking Sam questions as they walked down the hall. Jack slowed his step to walk behind them with Teal'c, letting the science twins go on ahead, confident that his team was well on its way toward being back in top form and ready for another mission.

**THE END**

* * *

_So, pretty much every single time I go to upload something — new story/chapter/whatever — makes me agree to the content guidelines again._

_Does this mean I'm violating one of them? I don't think I have been, but if that's not normal and anybody knows what's up, lemme know?_

_Also, I'm DEPLORABLE at writing Sam, and inexperienced at writing Teal'c. Please let me know if they're portrayed horribly in this chapter (or anywhere else, for that matter,) and I'll work to fix it. _

_Not to mention that this chapter — the last, by the way — probably wasn't terribly good. I'm appalling at endings, I'm sure you've noticed by now if you've read any of my other stuff. This is to be my last un-beta-ed story, though, so hopefully Mikta will be able to improve the quality of my future stories with less lame endings, plot-holes, and out-of-character-ness._

_Thank all of you for reading, and all the guest reviewers — Thank you as well, I wish I could send you messages personally. :)_

_As always, I don't own them, though I wish I did…no profit has been made from this story, nor shall any be made._

_MarieKR_


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